Mr. Brown
English 1B
26 February 2013
Commentary #1 for Natasha Marsh
I thought her article was well written
and that the thesis of the article was clearly stated in the first paragraph
and throughout the essay. However, I think she could use some real life
examples in her essay to help get her point across more clearly. By using the
real life examples, it will allow her readers to be able to connect with her on
a more person level. I thought she did a good job on looking at other people’s
points of views but giving reasons as to why she disagrees to them. I also
thought the essay flowed really well and didn't jump around to random topics.
One little spelling mistake I noticed was in the fifth paragraph, second
sentence, "...they either eave the discussion or change..." I think
that "eave" should have been "leave." Maybe the writer
should go more into detail about how the lack of individuality due to the internet
is affecting the way society functions. Also, for the refutation paragraph
maybe she could add some evidence supporting the opposite points of views.
Overall though I thought it was a well written article and covered the topic
nicely.
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